♡ I was out of.. err.. country. I was in Hongkong. And now, I miss Hongkong so much that when I got back in my room, it felt... as if it wasn't my room. Sort of. Darn it. Jet lag, probably. Despite the time zone being not much difference. Though, I've been sleeping up to 9AM (usual time I wake up overseas), where I often wake up around 6AM or 7AM at home. Darn it. I aim to go and work in Hongkong now. ):
♡ I saw a guy who looks and acts and talks like Koyama in Hongkong. He was so cute (like Koyama)! And so very friendly (like Koyama)! And also talkative (like Koyama)! Darn it. As you see now, I'm actually a Koyama fan when I was in the NEWS fandom. Ufufufufu. That's how I got to Ya-Ya-yah and Hey! Say! JUMP, by the way.
♡ He was a shop assistant. He put on my shoes for me. My heart was all dokidoki during that period. I ended up buying two pairs of school shoes. Darn it.
♡ I feel that I can call myself a girl. I bought myself eight new tops (lol). Two new shoes (lol). Three new bags (lol). And a few more things.
♡ I also bought Sims 3 CD which I play endlessly. 8D;;
♡ I admit that I have a Leo-phobia, which means I'm scared of people who are Leos. Because. My dad is one. Nakai (From SMAP, the guy who fights with Ohno) is one. Err.. Yeah. A few friends who have scary temper. Ugh. So scared of them. I want to avoid them at any cost. Blame my dad. He was the one who frightened me badly when I was young. I even saw this thing that said, "If you have a Leo in the house, LEAVE immediately." Threrefore, concludes my Leo-phobia.
♡ I also tend to feel that Aries can be boring. Darn it.
♡ I love Sagittariuses the best. Lol. Not because I'm one. But because, 1) Hikaru is one, 2) Taguchi is one, 3) Shoon is one, 4) Ohno is one, 5) Maruyama (he is the funny, silly guy in Kanjani8, that not people would notice) is one, errrr.. lol. Hahaha. Let's not forget Chinen now.
♡ But honestly, why, if you add all that up, most of those guys are funny (or at least try to be). I like funny guys. Lol. I try to be funny too (but as you can see, I'm bad at it without fan fictions)
♡ Okay, I also like Aquarius. They're cool. That's kinda like Yabu. I have friends who are Aquarius, and they try to be funny too. Oh. Sho and Kusano are Aquarius. See how funny they are!
♡ Mum had a dream that she couldn't save me, and that because of that, I died. Lol. She wouldn't let me go, and now works to hope that something like that never happens.
♡ But I didn't have the heart to tell her that if that was her first time she had that kind of dream, it'd be nice. I have dreams like that a lot. More than 50% of the dreams that I remember consist of one of my family members leaving, dying, or comitting suicide, and if it was about my friends, often it was about them betraying me, or leaving me. I have sad dreams, but also random ones that make me happy. Oh, I also tend to dream about everyong going against me for something not big that I did that leads to me getting expelled from school. And I also get chased often. A few ghostly dreams too. Ufufufufu. I wonder what my subconscious is telling me.
♡ I feel that in the family, I'm the one who is most likely to die first, and young. Because. I feel that I may have a few mental issues. Lol. Split personalities don't help. O:
♡ Though, I also seem to be the one who is likely to smoke (dad smokes, and I admit that I like the smell of it), drugs? errr... Naw. Probably. Anti-depressants. Or those... medicine to stop panic attacks. Darn it. ):
♡ Sorry, just needed to rant.
♡ School starts on September~ Yay!
♡ My dad's birthday is up soon~ By 17th August. Darn, what should I get him?
♡ I want to confess... that I like making new friends, and tossing old ones away. Because, I don't like getting attached.
♡ I have attachment issues okay.
♡ Apparently, I still do get attached to people, but, I just go away from them to make it seem as if I'm fine. I'm just in denial.
♡ Then, to make it worse, I make more and more new friends, but still think about them.
♡ And I sink more into despair, depression, and denial. And I get hurt whenever I see that my disappearance meant nothing to them.
♡ Thus explains why I like to be in solitude.
♡ And be alone somewhere.
♡ I'm talking about online and offline. Lol.
♡ And because of that despair, depression and denial, I get so sad and hurt. That I end up going crazy. Where my sanity is gone for a short while. I get so insane that I have the urge to smash all the glass bottles I have around my room, but I still have enough sanity to just go to sleep. (or blog) Then after that, when I'm fine, I'm calm. Like nothing happened. Apparently, after that, I get panic attacks. Yes. They last for 10 minutes or more. Less than an hour, but often stops after that, even though it starts again after a while.
♡ Apparently, someone advised me that I should go take some medicines for that. Of course, by permission.
♡ I suddenly remember having someone told me that I should go see a therapist.
♡ I don't know, this isn't really a medical problem is it?
♡ I just can't handle stress.
♡ So I should just not have friends.
♡ That's fine with me. Yeah. No wait, it's not okay. I can fight it! Yeah! I can save it, yeah~ (goes and sings 'Dial Up' by NYC Boys)
♡ So word around town is that, I'm going unstable, and I get mood swings (or quick personality change) and that I've been advising people to stay away from me.
♡ During this time, I would so get some vodka and get myself drunk. I do think that at some point of being drunk and high, I'd burst into tears and hug everyone before running to the streets and into a truck. Hmmm.
♡ I suddenly think that perhaps my rate to commit suicide is there, but usually it'd be due to mentality problems.
♡ I have mentality issues. Apparently. I'm also unpredictable. My actions are. Apparently. No one knows what is in my mind. Someone said it was like a black hole. Honestly, I don't think it's a compliment. It means no one wants to know what I think of things. So it leaves me to two choice, 1) Speak my mind, still, since I'm an honest person, and being straight-forward is what I'm good at, but that also drives people away, or 2) Do not speak my mind, do not drive people away, have friends, but suffer inside. But either way, option number 1 makes me lose sanity just by not having friends, so I end up talking to myself like now. While option number 2, I lose sanity in a way that bottling everything up sucks so badly. Yes. That much of things that I say are often honesty, so not being honest would be changing how I speak (completely, perhaps)
♡ I sure hope no one is actually reading this.
♡ I wonder who should I turn to. Honestly, that has been a question that I've been asking myself for the whole of my life.
You went to HongKong? D:
ReplyDeleteI wanted to go.. For the Ani-con :P
"I tend to feel Aries can be boring" I think so too, Aries from FFVII is kinda boring too, Tifa is much better xD
A week ago my mom dreamt about the same thing too.. Well sorta.. Just.. She said it was really graphic..
Dreams.. Been having fantasy/adventure/sci-fi/vampire/anime/mix of everything kind of dreams.. Haven't had any horror or the like.
Smoke.. The haze ain't enough for ya? Anyways, your dad smokes? :O
Some smokes [I'm referring to cigarettes] don't have nice smell like some do, but they're all the same- addictive. Some even have taste. Those people yang 'pandai' smoking stick to one brand and type, those who buy just any brand and type are only smoking to look cool.
And NO! I do not smoke! I know nothing! I never even smoked a whole pack before! NEVER!! NEVER I tell you!! NEVER!! >_>;;
Wanna drink instead? Tasted weird at first, then a bit spicy, but once you've drank[Am I using the correct word here?] about half of the glass, you'll feel somewhat addicted to it o.o And being drunk isn't that much fun.. for some.. or most..
Get him something based on his likes/dislikes?
Tossing old ones away.. wow..
But, your disappearance mean something to me.
You have glass bottles in your room?? Wow! I only have plastic bottles :(
Maybe cuz someone doesn't want to have to clean the mess if my balloon ever pops and I take it out on my stuff since I'm restricted from taking it out on people.
You should go tell your parents about it.
I can't handle stress and pressure.
Ah.. really? That time of the month?
Trucks here drive too slow, you'll suffer for life cuz you didn't die when the truck hit you.
Try the highway instead.
I'd choose option number 1.
Oh don't worry, I just skimmed through.
I don't really know the answer to that, I just talk to myself most of the time .__.
I did. I still miss it now. ): I love the subways (that's all?!) Actually, I miss Victoria Peaks. Darn it. My favourite place ever.
ReplyDeleteYou mean Aeris (Aerith)? I'd prefer Yuffie.
My mom didn't say anything much. Just that she couldn't save me. -cough-
As much as I don't like to admit it, my dreams maaaay have been my subconscious being an M. O:
Don't care about haze. And yeah, my dad smokes. I've been a passive smoker since I was young.
My dad smokes one type only. Apparently. There are times when he goes for others, but usually that's when his brand ain't there.
You know, you just made it sound so hard to believe.
When you say 'drink', did you mean alcohol?
I don't know what he likes to be honest. (Has been awful at buying gifts)
Yes. Friends are like underwear. Toss them away when they wear out.
....When did I disappear?
Usually I like to buy and drink sparkling juice. But they often come in glass bottles. So I have a few of them. I keep them for decoration.
Tell my parents about what? XD;; I don't get panic attacks anymore.. for now.
O: You too!
Nah. I'm trying to 'find myself' but it means having to throw away negative stuff from my mind. But usually that means looking through my memories, and that makes me recall back my feelings of that memory. Though, I do like to admit that.. whenever I don't like a certain memory of mine, I like trying to forget it, and when I do forget it, I wouldn't remember it, or if I do, it'll be in little details.
I'll just jump off from the bridge of the highway.
Someone told me the same thing. But now, I have no idea what I'm doing, since my mind is blank... for some time now.
Oh, I see. Skimmed milk.
Yeah. I don't want to go to friends, so I blog. Not everyone reads my blog, so I thought it's fine.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteHard to believe what?
Yeah, alcohol. Hangover sucks though.
My bro smokes too. Sometimes at night after everyone's gone asleep [he doesn't mind if I haven't gone to sleep myself, cuz I don't really tell my parents much about these kinds of events] he goes outside to smoke.
Hmm.. My dad's an easy one so it's easy to get him a gift which is within my budget.. But I forgot to get him one this year >_> Well, rather, I had no cash at the time xD
Hmm.. Used to think of friends that way too, only on a much shorter span of comparison, like: they're like tissue; once used, never used again i.e. throw them immediately.
You disappeared before reappearing.
Oh I see. I only have Sehat water plastic bottles.. My glass bottles disappear a day after I clean them for some reason, like the beer bottles and sparkling (water) "wine" bottle and that juice which is sort of carbonated.. bottle.
Tell your parents about them maybe-mental-issues.
Oh, I always forget about things now [thanks to stress "Thank you stress!"], even important things. So even if something which makes me feel like shit happens, I can just forget about it quarter of an hour later.
Make sure that you fall head on and, if possible, forehead hits solid ground first. Also be sure that there aren't any traffic, cuz 'cushioned' by cars will make you suffer as much as being hit by a truck but didn't die and jumping off the highway bridge but not dying.
Timing your jump to make sure once you hit the ground and when a car or truck runs over you is the best way to get killed and not suffer, since you are suiciding to end suffering [maybe] and not suffer any further.
Yes, skimmed milk. Though I drink just about any milk.
Ofcourse it's fine :D
you went to hongkong!!! hahahah Well, you text me jua.. :P and please don't kill yourself and if I were you I would choose Option 1. If your friends go away because of that then they don't understand you? hahah to me, probably they are not my true friends then.. :D
ReplyDeleteand about the mental problem........entah eh..honestly, I have it myself.. :S going gila each day and then exam lagi next weekk.. T.T
and you can get something your daddy don't have? hahah~! entah..cause I usually buy pizza and few stuff then makan together or they celebrate outside w/ friends jua.. :P hahaha!!!
and last but not least, DO NOT kill yourself. we still LOVE you... well, It is sort of hard to the fact that we can rarely mett up tpi after our(mayv and i) AS exam then we can go jalan..probably by then Mayven would know how to drive already. ;)
and it's good to make more friends BUT to me kan, it's sort of troublesome and I like your way of thinking like tossing the old friends away. ahhaha~! honestly, that's what I'm doing..and before getting close to a new friend, I show my "mean" attitude to see if they will go away or not. some "stay" and some go away..hahaha!! so then, i sort of now who to go to in school..hahah but honestly, I MISS the time being a loner eh.. :P
and you can always turn to your close friend in school? Cause (im just saying k?) from what I see kan, Mayven and you are quite close so i think you guys talk about absolute anything.hahaha I'm not saying we are not close, we are..it's just that the "closeness" aren't the same compare that to mayv's lar..hahah wait, Am i jealous here?? O_O HAHAH!!!
All the best dee... and I didn't really see you online now.... See you on your birthday and after my AS exam.. ;)