♡ I was out of.. err.. country. I was in Hongkong. And now, I miss Hongkong so much that when I got back in my room, it felt... as if it wasn't my room. Sort of. Darn it. Jet lag, probably. Despite the time zone being not much difference. Though, I've been sleeping up to 9AM (usual time I wake up overseas), where I often wake up around 6AM or 7AM at home. Darn it. I aim to go and work in Hongkong now. ):
♡ I saw a guy who looks and acts and talks like Koyama in Hongkong. He was so cute (like Koyama)! And so very friendly (like Koyama)! And also talkative (like Koyama)! Darn it. As you see now, I'm actually a Koyama fan when I was in the NEWS fandom. Ufufufufu. That's how I got to Ya-Ya-yah and Hey! Say! JUMP, by the way.
♡ He was a shop assistant. He put on my shoes for me. My heart was all dokidoki during that period. I ended up buying two pairs of school shoes. Darn it.
♡ I feel that I can call myself a girl. I bought myself eight new tops (lol). Two new shoes (lol). Three new bags (lol). And a few more things.
♡ I also bought Sims 3 CD which I play endlessly. 8D;;
♡ I admit that I have a Leo-phobia, which means I'm scared of people who are Leos. Because. My dad is one. Nakai (From SMAP, the guy who fights with Ohno) is one. Err.. Yeah. A few friends who have scary temper. Ugh. So scared of them. I want to avoid them at any cost. Blame my dad. He was the one who frightened me badly when I was young. I even saw this thing that said, "If you have a Leo in the house, LEAVE immediately." Threrefore, concludes my Leo-phobia.
♡ I also tend to feel that Aries can be boring. Darn it.
♡ I love Sagittariuses the best. Lol. Not because I'm one. But because, 1) Hikaru is one, 2) Taguchi is one, 3) Shoon is one, 4) Ohno is one, 5) Maruyama (he is the funny, silly guy in Kanjani8, that not people would notice) is one, errrr.. lol. Hahaha. Let's not forget Chinen now.
♡ But honestly, why, if you add all that up, most of those guys are funny (or at least try to be). I like funny guys. Lol. I try to be funny too (but as you can see, I'm bad at it without fan fictions)
♡ Okay, I also like Aquarius. They're cool. That's kinda like Yabu. I have friends who are Aquarius, and they try to be funny too. Oh. Sho and Kusano are Aquarius. See how funny they are!
♡ Mum had a dream that she couldn't save me, and that because of that, I died. Lol. She wouldn't let me go, and now works to hope that something like that never happens.
♡ But I didn't have the heart to tell her that if that was her first time she had that kind of dream, it'd be nice. I have dreams like that a lot. More than 50% of the dreams that I remember consist of one of my family members leaving, dying, or comitting suicide, and if it was about my friends, often it was about them betraying me, or leaving me. I have sad dreams, but also random ones that make me happy. Oh, I also tend to dream about everyong going against me for something not big that I did that leads to me getting expelled from school. And I also get chased often. A few ghostly dreams too. Ufufufufu. I wonder what my subconscious is telling me.
♡ I feel that in the family, I'm the one who is most likely to die first, and young. Because. I feel that I may have a few mental issues. Lol. Split personalities don't help. O:
♡ Though, I also seem to be the one who is likely to smoke (dad smokes, and I admit that I like the smell of it), drugs? errr... Naw. Probably. Anti-depressants. Or those... medicine to stop panic attacks. Darn it. ):
♡ Sorry, just needed to rant.
♡ School starts on September~ Yay!
♡ My dad's birthday is up soon~ By 17th August. Darn, what should I get him?
♡ I want to confess... that I like making new friends, and tossing old ones away. Because, I don't like getting attached.
♡ I have attachment issues okay.
♡ Apparently, I still do get attached to people, but, I just go away from them to make it seem as if I'm fine. I'm just in denial.
♡ Then, to make it worse, I make more and more new friends, but still think about them.
♡ And I sink more into despair, depression, and denial. And I get hurt whenever I see that my disappearance meant nothing to them.
♡ Thus explains why I like to be in solitude.
♡ And be alone somewhere.
♡ I'm talking about online and offline. Lol.
♡ And because of that despair, depression and denial, I get so sad and hurt. That I end up going crazy. Where my sanity is gone for a short while. I get so insane that I have the urge to smash all the glass bottles I have around my room, but I still have enough sanity to just go to sleep. (or blog) Then after that, when I'm fine, I'm calm. Like nothing happened. Apparently, after that, I get panic attacks. Yes. They last for 10 minutes or more. Less than an hour, but often stops after that, even though it starts again after a while.
♡ Apparently, someone advised me that I should go take some medicines for that. Of course, by permission.
♡ I suddenly remember having someone told me that I should go see a therapist.
♡ I don't know, this isn't really a medical problem is it?
♡ I just can't handle stress.
♡ So I should just not have friends.
♡ That's fine with me. Yeah. No wait, it's not okay. I can fight it! Yeah! I can save it, yeah~ (goes and sings 'Dial Up' by NYC Boys)
♡ So word around town is that, I'm going unstable, and I get mood swings (or quick personality change) and that I've been advising people to stay away from me.
♡ During this time, I would so get some vodka and get myself drunk. I do think that at some point of being drunk and high, I'd burst into tears and hug everyone before running to the streets and into a truck. Hmmm.
♡ I suddenly think that perhaps my rate to commit suicide is there, but usually it'd be due to mentality problems.
♡ I have mentality issues. Apparently. I'm also unpredictable. My actions are. Apparently. No one knows what is in my mind. Someone said it was like a black hole. Honestly, I don't think it's a compliment. It means no one wants to know what I think of things. So it leaves me to two choice, 1) Speak my mind, still, since I'm an honest person, and being straight-forward is what I'm good at, but that also drives people away, or 2) Do not speak my mind, do not drive people away, have friends, but suffer inside. But either way, option number 1 makes me lose sanity just by not having friends, so I end up talking to myself like now. While option number 2, I lose sanity in a way that bottling everything up sucks so badly. Yes. That much of things that I say are often honesty, so not being honest would be changing how I speak (completely, perhaps)
♡ I sure hope no one is actually reading this.
♡ I wonder who should I turn to. Honestly, that has been a question that I've been asking myself for the whole of my life.
